As I’m drinking my morning coffee, my dog is lying next to me snoring, jerking and twitching. I glance over and wonder what she’s dreaming about. I turn back to my laptop and sigh. My heart is heavy. It’s two weeks from Christmas and I don’t even know where I will get grocery money, much less Christmas presents. I have a tree only because a friend of mine had extras and loaned me one so I could at least decorate.
I have applied for jobs on Craig’s List (which are all scams, by the way). I have been searching and applying on legitimate sites regularly for the past year or so. The job marked is so saturated. I’ve had maybe 3 interviews, all of which didn’t pan out. Real Estate is all but dead. Mary Kay sales are few and far between. My husband is on salary, so he can’t pick up overtime. Again, sighing, I am trying not to cry.
You know, Christmas just keeps reminding me of how broke we really are. My daughter stopped me in the hall the other day and says, “Mom, I know what I want for Christmas. Another blanket and lots of candy.” My heart sank. Where was I even going to get money for that? For a teenager, that is a very small request. I would love to be able to do that for her.
We just wrapped up our three night production of our Christmas dinner theater at church and it was so much fun. Every night was something different, whether it was forgotten lines or comedic relief from the impromptu acting of one of our Sunday School teachers.
It seems like every devotional I read or sermon I hear is how God is always there, working on our behalf, whether we see Him or not. I know He is trying to tell me this and deep down, I know this very well.
But yet, I can’t help but be hurt and frustrated at this situation. I don’t know what’s going on in the spiritual realm. He doesn’t afford me that luxury. Is He trying to get my attention? He already has that. What if He’s trying to get the attention of another one of my family members? What if it has nothing to do with us? When will this be over? When will He show up and “save the day?” Or will He show up at all? Why won’t He open a door for me to get a job? And on and on the questions go….
I know He never promised that this life would be easy. We live in a fallen world. Life will only be perfect on the other side of eternity.
You know what I love? I love to read the Psalms. The psalmist was blatantly honest with God. He poured out his heart. God didn’t strike him dead. Instead, God longs for us to be honest with Him. He knows what we are feeling anyway. Maybe He’s trying to get me to be that honest. More often than not, I bottle up my feelings and suck it up and go on. Or like yesterday, lay down to take a nap just hoping that when I awake, I will not be so broken hearted. That usually works—temporarily. Or I’ll eat chocolate. It’s soothing to the palate, yet not so much when I look in the mirror.
We can’t hide from pain, no matter how hard we try. I guess that’s why so many people end up alcoholics or drug addicts.
You know, I guess that is why one of Jesus’ names in Scripture was the “Balm of Gilead.” He soothes our broken hearts. He puts salve on our wounds. He is Wonderful, Counselor and Prince of Peace.
Where is God in all of this? He’s here. He’s carrying us through the tough times. He’s loving us in spite of ourselves and our brokenness. He’s working on our behalf, whether we see it or not. Romans 8:28 states that “He CAUSES all things to work together for good.” You can’t “cause” something without being active. Think on that.