January 1, 2012 – – Well, we’ve reached 2012. Some would call it a milestone. I just feel like it’s another day. Yesterday, while I showered and got dressed, I felt the Spirit speaking to me. I had always wondered what my “fruit” was and yesterday, He told me. Through teaching my step-daughter about Jesus, she is now actively involved in church and her youngest, Dekoda, was telling my step-son’s girlfriend, Kaitlyn, about Jesus. How awesome is that?
I was soooo relieved yesterday to hear Beth Moore talk about her “wild man” husband, Keith. She told us he goes to church when HE wants to. She couldn’t make him do anything. But it didn’t stop her from going, of course.
So, I felt like I had been sitting around here wallowing in self-pity for a year, waiting on Hallmark Man to make up his mind.
So, still struggling with the submission thing, I was praying in my heart about church. I sensed the Spirit telling me to confront Hallmark Man head-on about it. So, after wrestling with that for a bit, I finally asked him, “Ok. I’m going to ask you a question and I want you to be honest with me.” He just stared blankly at me. “Do you want to go to church or do you really just not care?” I was hoping he would say he didn’t care and I could go back to MY church family. I didn’t get that answer. “I want to go to church. I just haven’t found one I like.” Well, Lord…now what?? He can’t find one he likes sitting on his butt on Sunday mornings playing video games.
I can’t just up and leave him(did that for a year) if he wants to go (but I don’t see an effort here). Why should I be the one to come up with the ideas??? Isn’t HE supposed to be the spiritual leader of the household?? I am the one to submit. Yet, I am feeling guilty about not being in church. I miss seeing the same faces on Sunday morning and Sunday night. Wednesday night always made me uncomfortable. I don’t know why churches insist on having small table groups and “everybody pray” (awkward) or come to the altar and pray if you feel led (even more awkward silence). I know typically Wednesday nights are smaller crowds—not even a crowd–should say “group.” Wednesday nights are hard to get to church. That is when I am usually the most tired. Half the work week is over and I am ready to sleep. What is it with Baptists and Wednesday nights???
Ok. I am rambling here but that’s how I feel. Needed to get that out there.
I know I am losing weight still but feels like it is taking forever. My leg is better. I think squatting down to feed the little miniature dachshund behind us has actually strengthened it.
My size 22 black jeans are baggy. I am thinking about trying on some 20’s at Wal-Mart this weekend—IF I can find any. I looked before and couldn’t. I may be stuck with the 22s for a bit longer. Maybe I can go to the thrift store and find some decent pants to get me through. I hate to pay full price for pants I’ll shrink out of.
You know, maybe I should write in this journal in the mornings. I have more on my mind then. By the time the evening comes, my mind is toast and I am fighting with my attention to the TV for it.
Next month is going to be hard on Mom. Their wedding anniversary and the anniversary of his death will be here. Can’t believe it’s almost been a year since he’s been gone. I miss him, but I know not like Mom does. She’s all alone. She needs a dog. I don’t know what I would do without mine. She is so much company. I get the attention from her that I don’t get from my husband. I know he gets jealous of her but she does things that I like to do and he won’t. Some days I get lonely and I don’t like more than 2 days off. I can’t stand not having something to do. I know…I’m weird.