November 26, 2011 — Slept in this morning. Got up, gave the dog a bath, got a shower and did some laundry, and did my Bible study. Took a nap, talked to Mom a while. She’s sick. My sister called. She is going nuts with the kids.
I am just feeling like one big void. No emotions whatsoever. I can’t figure out what is causing it. No joy, no anger, no passion, nothing. No emotions. I hate it. I am really wondering if I can come off Cymbalta. I know I’ve tried before to get rid of anti-depressants and then realized I needed to be on them. But my diet has changed and I am trying to be healthy, removing toxins from my diet and I am just can’t seem to be excited about Christmas. We’ve got medical and bills, bills, bills. We need groceries but are broke. I worked my tail off this past week to make sure we had enough money but still fall short. It’s like this every stinking year. We are fine all through the year and BOOM! September hits and our health falls apart and we end up with uncontrollable medical bills. I wish I had help with this but Hallmark Man just exists here. He does not pay attention to the bills.
November 27, 2011 – – Didn’t sleep real good last night. I went to bed with Hallmark Man to cuddle some and laying on my left side, balancing to rub his back aggravated my leg. I ended up getting up and going to the twin bed and taking a half of a hydrocodone to ease the pain so I could sleep.
This morning, I am still in a funk. Feel like I’ve got a cloud over my head. I did actually have a few tears so I do have a heart in there somewhere!! I had posted last night on Facebook about my journey to health and I have a dear Christian sister in Texas that I’ve never physically met that posted under mine to remind me that my body is the temple of the Holy Spirit and why I started this journey to begin with. I love that dear sister in Christ! We met on MySpace and moved to Facebook. I can’t wait to meet her in heaven. She is so dear to me!
You know something that God made me realize the other night while I was laying in bed pondering? Food was an idol to me. I woke up thinking about it, obsessing about it and it is all I focused on. It was what I lived for. WRONG! God alone should be Who I live for…not the food He provides. He even fussed at the children ofIsraelto not worship His creation. Duh….sometimes I am so slow!
I just spend the last few minutes reading back through this journal. It seems like forever and a day on a diet and nothing is happening fast enough until I look at the timeline. I actually started The Metabolic Typing Diet in early October. It really hasn’t been that long. I can see the changes by looking back at what was happening. Praise God for answered prayer!! He hears me when I call. He answers me. He loves me. How awesome is that!!!!
I started a new online course that I found via a friend on Facebook called Belief Changers. The actual course is The Abiding Life. It’s learning to live by abiding in Christ’s love. I was raised in a Christian home but in school and church, we were drilled legalism. I am trying to erase that but learning to abide in Christ and not go by “works” is hard. I still beat myself up when I miss church or don’t pray enough. I am hoping this will get me through those thoughts.