When you think of “Black Friday” what comes to mind? Of course…the Friday after Thanksgiving with all of the sales and mad-dash, crazy, early morning shopping with thousands of your closest friends…or somewhere in that vicinity.
I had a different kind of black friday and maybe you’ve been there or are there right now.
I spent most of the day beating myself up over past failures. The enemy wanted me black and blue and in a non-functioning capacity and for some reason, I let him. I have been forgiven by the Lord yet I could not seem to forgive myself and let it go. My past kept coming back again and again to haunt me. Been there?
I didn’t do the usual “if only” chants in my mind. It was more like spending time feeling like the biggest failure on the planet. As a mother, I felt like I had let my kids down. As a wife, a failure because I had not been able to help my husband provide for this family and have made poor choices along the way. A failure as a Christian because I have let God down (not that we ever could—He knows what we are going to do before we do it and nothing surprises Him). But yet, in my mind, that broken record of “you’re a failure” and “you’re a screw up” kept playing over and over.
This morning I kicked myself around some more. I spent time wondering and praying and crying. We may lose our home. So are millions of other Americans, big deal. It IS a big deal to me. But yet I felt so much like I was dealing with this problem alone. My husband seemed to just go on about his day and nothing bothered him. God didn’t seem to answer me.
I have a few close friends that know what is going on and one suggested I go to the church and ask for help. NOT what I wanted to hear or do. At first I thought it was pride keeping me back but it is more like shame. After prayerful consideration, I contacted the person that is head of that department and was told there is a process to go through. OK. Got that out of the way and cried some more.
As I read posts on Facebook about shopping excursions, my heart sank more and more because I didn’t have any money to shop, much less put gas in my van for the week. I had to borrow money from my son to pay a bill and then when I went to pick up prescriptions, they were way more than I anticipated and it just added to the stress.
My other friend seems to think that all of this has nothing to do with me and that God is dealing with someone else through this situation. My husband? My kids? I don’t know. This is such a test of trust and faith in God. He only promised our daily bread and it is hard for me to function at that level.
I have been trying to get a job as an administrative assistant but was told yesterday in a round about way that “no, you’re not getting one. It’s not that easy.” He is not going to give me an easy “fix” financially. Sure, having a steady income every two weeks would fix a lot of things but would it increase my dependency and faith on Him? No.
This afternoon another friend brought an artifical Christmas tree over for me to use since we didn’t have one. Ours had a short in it last year so I tossed it. I didn’t have the money to buy another one. I was having so much of a pity party that I almost didn’t put it up. As I started going through the ornaments, memories began to flood back of previous Christmas’ and a reminder that each ornament held a special place in my heart. My spirit began to lift and I put on some Christmas music and sang along.
You know, I may not know what the future holds but I know WHO holds the future and in order to survive this troubling economy, I have to trust Him. He is sovereign and He is in control. I need to make a choice to not wig out and try to fix it myself. I can only do so much. But, I can pray. I love that verse in 2 Timothy1:7 that says, “For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love and of self-discipline.” Isn’t God awesome?
Be blessed in the Lord!